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Jun. 1st, 2011

The Creepiest Angel

(no subject)

Depression's a funny thing. Not funny like, say, a fat person falling down, or Snooki being hit by a car, but funny like "fucked up". I could be fine for days, weeks, months, whatever and then bam. I'm in my room listening to Elliott Smith and crying. Most days, I can deal with it; push it aside and get on with my life, but when it builds and builds, sometimes you just break. And I think I'm broken.

Sometimes... well, most of the time, it's about a girl. It makes it tougher to deal with it, especially at work. If I were straight, I could say "Oh, this guy I like dumped me." and I'm sure I'd get even the basest amount of sympathy. But as my boss is the type of person to call Johnny Weir "Johnny Queer", something tells me I wouldn't get a real pleasant reaction if I came out. It's like in high school, when I was just sickeningly in love with this girl, and vice versa. We were together (albiet online) for almost a year when she broke things off with me. I've never been one to lie, so I couldn't even tell my friends that a guy broke my heart. I just nursed it on my own; not that I think they noticed at all. I didn't know what a real friend was until recently.. (I should add that I'm talking about someone I see often. The internet's fantastic, but something about face-to-face excludes people like The Almighty, or my Butch, both of whom I love.)

I'm kind of at a loss on what to do. I'm not suicidal - for all the talk, it's just me trying to psych myself out of doing it. Some weird-ass defense mechanism I have where talking about it and making myself more depressed just kind of brings me back from that edge. So I'm in the purgatory of depression. It's lasted about a month so far, with a brief interval in between - someone I thought could make me happy, but just made it worse in the long run.

Basically, I've given up. Rejection hurts a hell of a lot when it's one right after the other after the other. Putting yourself out there is hard enough but when no one wants you, it's worse. Some people are supposed to meet their soulmates or their perfect match or whatever the hell, and be together forever. Some people find brief flings or small romances and are happy with it. Some people are just supposed to be alone, I guess. Maybe I'm meant to do something great. Maybe when I'm gone, no one'll notice. Who knows?

Remember the movie Homeward Bound, where Shadow falls in this muddy pit and fucks up his leg? (Spoilers) I feel like that damn dog. I just keep clawing and struggling but in the end, I just slip back down. But like a moron, I keep trying. Maybe I'll make it out and limp on to someone who'll be waiting for me; cue triumphant music, hugs, credits.

Apr. 18th, 2011

11 & Amy

Trying again before the CCEE

I'm really hoping to find a men's frock coat and a brown wide-rimmed fedora for a cosplay adventure.

If anyone has one kicking around or knows where to get them, I'd love them forever. (I've been looking at Value Village for a couple years, on and off, no luck.)

Nov. 10th, 2010

The Fall

Because I'm bored.

APPEARANCE
[ ] I am shorter than 5’4”.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes/all the time
[x ] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I wear glasses.
[x ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[ ] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[ ] I’ve run away from home.
[ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids someday.
[x] I want to adopt someday.
[ ] I’ve lost a child.

SCHOOL/WORK
[ ] I’m in school
[x] I have a job.
[x] I’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I’ve missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I’ve been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[x ] I’ve stolen something from my job (Not current, mind you. I took a handful of little chocolates from Hallmark.)
[ ] I’ve been fired.

EMBARRASSMENT
[ ] I’ve slipped out a "LOL" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something.
[x] I’ve laughed ‘til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x ] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

HEALTH
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[] I’ve gotten stitches.
[x ] I’ve broken a bone.
[ ] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
[x] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I’ve had chicken pox.
[ ] I have/had asthma.

TRAVELING
[x] I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I’ve been on a plane.
[x ] I’ve been to Canada.
[ ] I’ve been to Mexico.
[ ] I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I’ve been to Japan.
[ ] I’ve celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I’ve been to Europe.
[ ] I’ve been to Africa.

EXPERIENCES
[x] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[ ] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[ ] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[x] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I’ve been to a casino.
[ ] I’ve been skydiving.
[ ] I’ve gone skinny dipping.
[ ] I’ve played Spin the Bottle.
[ ] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] I’ve crashed a car.
[x ] I’ve been skiing
[x] I’ve been in a play.
[x] I’ve met someone in person from the internet.
[x ] I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[x] I’ve seen the Northern/Southern Lights.
[ ] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I’ve played chicken.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone.
[x] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
[x] I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I’ve eaten sushi.
[ ] I’ve been snowboarding.

RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I like someone but they don't know it.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x ] I’ve told someone I loved them and didn’t get a clear response.
[x ] I’ve felt rejected even if I wasn’t.
[ ] I’ve loved someone I knew a friend was already in love with.

HONESTY
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[ ] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x ] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test. (shhh don't tell! LOL)
[ ] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I’m down.
[x ] I take anti-depressants. (used to, hated them)
[ ] I take relaxants.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[ ] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I’ve woken up crying.

DEATH
[x ] I’m afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[ ] I've seen someone dying.

MATERIALISM
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from PacSun.
[x ] I collect comic books.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on eBay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

RANDOM
[x ] I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant. (I stole a giant mug from A&W, does that count?)
[x] I sing in the shower.
[x] I obsess over grammar.
[x] I can cook.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.

Oct. 28th, 2010

Amy Pond

Updates

Been a few months (at least) since I've actually done one of these, and though I sincerely doubt that anyone would read it, some of it needs to be/should be said.

Voila. A cut.Collapse )

Mar. 8th, 2010

Kate

101 Reasons Why I Dread My 10 Year Reunion: Or, Mara Writes Her Memoirs on LJ.

I've been feeling introspective lately, which can be good or bad - in this case, I'm not even sure. Talking to Stacey-Lynn has made me think a lot about high school/junior high and how goddamn glad I am that it's over. I wonder what things would be like if I went back and re-did it, knowing what I know now.

I'm sure I'd punch Amanda Karadimas in the fucking face. I would knee her in the ovaries and tell her to back the fuck off. And by that one action, I'm sure my high school life would be a shitton better.

This is what you get when you mess with us..Collapse )

Feb. 6th, 2010

Joan

(no subject)

My Valentinr - beautifulmidnight
Get your own valentinr

Jan. 2nd, 2010

Dean and Cas

Movie/TV Review Revue!

Okay. So other than a movie that I'm pretty sure I dreamt about and probably doesn't exist.. (And damnit, now I can't remember enough to IMDB it), let's take a gander, shall we?


Shows I Broke Up With:

Heroes - I couldn't even be arsed to watch the first episode, to be honest. Last season was so hit and miss that the only moment that stood out for me last year was Sylar driving around with 'Psycho Killer' on the radio. Fuck, that was awesome.

Torchwood - Killing off Ianto in a completely useless manner was only part of it. I think RTDickhead's total disdain for his fanbase and the fact that he's the Stephanie Meyer of Sci-Fi (Just a giant fucking Mary Sue. Let's face it) is part of it. He ruined what made Jack such a great, fun, camp character, and turned Series 4 into the Jack and Gwen OMG WE'RE AWESOME Party Fun Time Revue.

Scrubs - I tried with Scrubs: The New Class, but it all just seemed old hat to me. No thanks.

NCIS - Meh. Same old shite. I'm done.

RTD Era Doctor Who: Suck a bag of dicks, RTD. I'm fucking sick of your obsession with Wose, and turning 10 into an emo little bitch. It's been the same old shite with flashes of brilliance (from other writers/directors) for three years, and now it's over. Bring 11 on, please. Now.

Because someone'll bitch that it's too long, and that'll be the only comment I get.Collapse )

Dec. 21st, 2009

Dean and Cas

So. 2009.

Lessee.

+ Made a couple new friends

- Ended 8 year friendship with The Victim

+ New job that I kind of love as a florist

- New job that doesn't pay well.

+ New kitty

- Had an insanely bad breakup in March.

+ Joined Mishaland

- Stopped writing, for the most part

- Massive emotional breakdown

+ Came out, semi-officially



So for all I can think of, it seems to be even. Still. Not entirely sure where the year left.

Aug. 6th, 2009

Joan

Writer's Block: I May Be Crazy

What does this Rorschach blot look like to you?


A swing dancing pig on either side of a moped.

Jun. 17th, 2009

Joan

My pretty flowers

HugeCollapse )

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