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Joan

June 2011

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The Creepiest Angel

Depression's a funny thing. Not funny like, say, a fat person falling down, or Snooki being hit by a car, but funny like "fucked up". I could be fine for days, weeks, months, whatever and then bam. I'm in my room listening to Elliott Smith and crying. Most days, I can deal with it; push it aside and get on with my life, but when it builds and builds, sometimes you just break. And I think I'm broken.

Sometimes... well, most of the time, it's about a girl. It makes it tougher to deal with it, especially at work. If I were straight, I could say "Oh, this guy I like dumped me." and I'm sure I'd get even the basest amount of sympathy. But as my boss is the type of person to call Johnny Weir "Johnny Queer", something tells me I wouldn't get a real pleasant reaction if I came out. It's like in high school, when I was just sickeningly in love with this girl, and vice versa. We were together (albiet online) for almost a year when she broke things off with me. I've never been one to lie, so I couldn't even tell my friends that a guy broke my heart. I just nursed it on my own; not that I think they noticed at all. I didn't know what a real friend was until recently.. (I should add that I'm talking about someone I see often. The internet's fantastic, but something about face-to-face excludes people like The Almighty, or my Butch, both of whom I love.)

I'm kind of at a loss on what to do. I'm not suicidal - for all the talk, it's just me trying to psych myself out of doing it. Some weird-ass defense mechanism I have where talking about it and making myself more depressed just kind of brings me back from that edge. So I'm in the purgatory of depression. It's lasted about a month so far, with a brief interval in between - someone I thought could make me happy, but just made it worse in the long run.

Basically, I've given up. Rejection hurts a hell of a lot when it's one right after the other after the other. Putting yourself out there is hard enough but when no one wants you, it's worse. Some people are supposed to meet their soulmates or their perfect match or whatever the hell, and be together forever. Some people find brief flings or small romances and are happy with it. Some people are just supposed to be alone, I guess. Maybe I'm meant to do something great. Maybe when I'm gone, no one'll notice. Who knows?

Remember the movie Homeward Bound, where Shadow falls in this muddy pit and fucks up his leg? (Spoilers) I feel like that damn dog. I just keep clawing and struggling but in the end, I just slip back down. But like a moron, I keep trying. Maybe I'll make it out and limp on to someone who'll be waiting for me; cue triumphant music, hugs, credits.

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