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June 2011

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101 Reasons Why I Dread My 10 Year Reunion: Or, Mara Writes Her Memoirs on LJ.

I've been feeling introspective lately, which can be good or bad - in this case, I'm not even sure. Talking to Stacey-Lynn has made me think a lot about high school/junior high and how goddamn glad I am that it's over. I wonder what things would be like if I went back and re-did it, knowing what I know now.

I'm sure I'd punch Amanda Karadimas in the fucking face. I would knee her in the ovaries and tell her to back the fuck off. And by that one action, I'm sure my high school life would be a shitton better.

It's somewhat bewildering to think that someone I was good friends with in Grade five would go to being the reason I tried to kill myself when I was twelve. For whatever reason, she made my life hell - to the point that my psychologist thinks I have post traumatic stress disorder (due partly to that - partly to my dad's stroke). She shouted "Earthshake" when I walked down the hallway, spread rumors that I had: AIDS (Yes. AIDS.), scabies, lice, among other things. Some days, I felt like I was having a panic attack just leaving the house because I was terrified in going to school. And the people I called my friends never did a damn thing. I think maybe that's a reason we're not close - not that we ever were, really. I mean, the person that used to call herself my "best friend" only talked to me once or twice on Facebook after graduation. And didn't mention that she was getting married.

And growing up different didn't help, either. Poor, fat, unattractive, quirky, sexually confused (though by twelve, I knew, but said nothing. Didn't feel I needed to add more fuel to the fire.) I was the only one of my friends who wasn't changing with the flavors of the week - whether it was being private detectives because of Harriet the Spy, swiping Wiccan books from Coles because of The Craft, or having Hanson posters. (Thank Christ for that last part.)

I'm sure if I hadn't been near-suicidal for most of high school, I probably would've done better, but when you're alone and angsting like a John Hughes movie on crack, it's hard to think of math problems. Add in a bunch of divorces, a stroke, and running the family from when I was sixteen, and schoolwork was the least of my worries.

God, this sounds emo. I'm sure other people had shit experiences in high school. But this is a livejournal. If I'm not writing bad poetry or angsting about teenage life, what else is it for?

Oh well. Soldering on.

I didn't consider myself to have any real friends in high school - other than the ones I made online. I had acquaintances that I half-assedly talk to on Facebook now and then, but I always just felt like they were so much cooler than me and I never fit in. I spent every lunch period during grade ten and eleven in the library (and looking back, probably had some kind of eating disorder. Not that it did my fat ass any good.

I didn't really have anyone to talk to. Even when I was dealing with the breakup of my first (nearly nine month long) relationship, I couldn't really tell any of them because it was with a girl, and when they were making gay jokes in the hallway, it didn't foster a really friendly environment. (As far as I knew, there were only other three queer students in school - though it's not like I was a social butterfly or anything.) Even pretending to really like certain boys didn't help, as certain friends told said boy to his face.

I'm still on the fence about going, though I don't think I will. Facebook's kind of made the whole 'Ten Year Reunion' moot. Not to mention having to go back to Fort McMurray.

So, that's that. Comment if you want to, it doesn't really matter to me.

And if you see Karadimas, feel free to tell her I said "Fuck you. ^_^" (Make sure you use the happy face, as I really feel it adds a certain something.)


I'm proud to be your friend.
Dude, I don't plan on going to any of my reunions and shit, my high school experience wasn't half as bad. I just don't like any of those people aside from the three I keep in touch with on Facebook.

High school sucks forever though. BOOO!

Oh, and hi, btw. I think I friended you on here shortly after you friended me on Facebook. See, because I think you're awesome!
I completely get the high school sucking part, (though for myself it was a mixture of some of the best and worst times of my life.) I remember being so confused, so emotionally sensitive and so afraid to speak out and go against the crowd.

You talk about going back and having a do over, I think that's what I'd do. I'd stick up for my friends, and have them do the same for me. I'd not be afraid to call it like I see it. I'd take so many risks because the things that I remember at the time feeling like the most horrible thing in the world had no significance towards where I'd end up in the future.

A lot of it was bullshit.

I wish I'd determined my sexuality then and was comfortable enough to show that part of me, all of me. (Of course I would have been ripped to shreds by not only the morons but by some of my own friends...isn't that awful?)

I don't think you should go back if all it's going to do is bring up bad memories. You've come out the other end from all that. I think going to one of these reunions would be a major mind fuck and the appeal isn't in remembering the old days, rather the opportunity/ (nosiness-curiosity) to see where these people ended up.

Whatever you decide, I'm glad I met you when I did and I'm also proud to call you my friend. We're better versions of our past selves, I like to think. Tougher, but sometimes it's hard to let go of this past stuff.*nods* Also, however emo it is, I'd still encourage you to post it.^_^
Aw. Thanks, Cambot.

Come find me on MSN sometime. I really miss talking to you.